My new favourite song(s) for the day

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root,
the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly
without you. The earth turns, the sun burns
but I die, without you.

Without you, the stars roar
the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change
the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar,the days soar, the babies cry,
without you, the moon glows, the river flows,
but I die, without you.

The world revives, colors renew
but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

The mind churns.
The heart yearns.
The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you.

Without you the ground thaws
The rain falls, the grass grows
Without you, the seeds root,
the flowers bloom, the children play,
The Stars Gleam, the eagles fly
Without you the earth turns, the sun burns,
But I die without you
Without you the breeze warms, the girls smile, the cloud moves
Without you, the tides change,
the oceans crash, the crowd roars, the days soar, the babies cry
Without you the moon glows the river flows
But I die without you

The world revives, colors renew
but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue
But I'm gone, without you.

------------------------------------------------

Every day I walk down the street
I hear people say "baby, so sweet"
Ever since I hit puberty
Everyone keeps staring at me.
Boys, girls, I can't help it baby.
So be kind, and don't lose your mind.
Just remember I'm your baby.

Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me

A tiger in a cage can never see the sun
but this diva needs her stage, c'mon baby, let's have fun
You're the one I choose
Folks would kill to fill your shoes
You love the limelight too, baby
So be mine, and don't waste your time
Crying "hunny-bear, am I still your baby?"

Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby, or leave me

No way can I be what I'm not
but hey, don't you like your girl hot?
Don't fight, don't lose your head
Because everynight, who's in your bed?
Who's in your bed, baby?

It won't work.
I look before I leap.
I love margins and discipline.
I make lists in my sleep.
Baby, what's my sin?
Never quit-I follow through
I hate mess, but I love you
What to do with my impromtu baby?

So be wise, this girl satisfies
You've got a prize, but don't comprimise
You're one lucky baby.

Take me for what I am.
(A control freak.)
Who I was mean to be.
(A snob, yet over attentive)
And if you give a damn,
(A loveable, droll, geek)
Take me baby, or leave me.
(And anal retentive!)

That's it, the straw that breaks my back.
I quit unless you take it back.
Women, what is it about them?
You can't live with them or without them.

Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby, or leave me.

Guess I'm leaving.
I'm gone.

Shake it shake it shake it girl, make sure you don't break it girl

Brett, you didn't call to tell me if you were working. But Kim told me, and we cried together. I think one day, you should NOT work and then call me and we'll watch a movie and have another party in which me, Danie, and Kim spend the night and we do not sleep at all and we run to the gas station at 6 am because we're hungry and you don't have any food atall.
I really think we should. Or take a road trip to Chicago. Either one.

I almost got kicked out of drama this week. Almost, meaning, I was. But after a lengthy talk with Mr. Cloutier, we came to an agreement and I was allowed to come back to class. I have to write. From now until January. It's like those journal entries we had to do, except it's just one big long one. And I have to tell him

a) who I am
b) who I want to be
c) where I'm going in life
d) why I want to do film
e) how I'm going to do it
f) etc, etc, etc

I was thinking "hey, that's not hard." But it is. It's really hard. Everytime I sit down to write about who I am, I draw complete blanks. I have a name, a face, but I'm so used to faking, I don't know how to be real. He noticed that too. I thought that was weird.
I guess who I am is a liar.
And who I want to be? Perfect. I want to be perfect in all aspects, and I want people to know who I am. I want random people I've never met to read about me in the tabloids because their lives are such shit, they need to hear about someone else's.

Yesterday, I watched The Fly with Danie, Adam, And Brent. I love that movie. It's so awesomly cheesy and not-scary. It's probably my favourite.
Then Brent had this stupid lighter that he couldn't actually light. A zippo? It smelled sooo bad, and it was really obnoxious the way he kept trying to be cool by doing tricks. I stole it, and was the annoying girl who steals things. Because that's how irritating it was to hear "fuck" every five seconds when he couldn't light it.
And Adam...oh that Adam. I've never hung out with him before. But it was fun, even though I was terrified of him the whole time.

End post.

Relationships are for the birds.

*chirp chirp*

I don't know why people can't see things the way I do. I'm looking at all these couples. And I'm thinking "you two shouldn't be dating." And sure enough, two weeks later, it's kaput. What made them think it would last?
So, when people ask me for advice on "should I date so-n-so?"....I give them advice. Do they listen? Nope. They are optimistic, a good quality I guess, but get hurt. So easily. It's not fair.

Stupid teenagers and their messed up relationships. I hate them.

Addy Addy Addy Addy Addy Addy

is totally sitting next to me right now.

I have discovered I miss blogging. Since Kim left, I’ve been holding off on the blogs until I get either mad or sad enough to write. But I want to right about everything. Ever.

Yesterday I went to Steph’s house to “help her study for chemisty”. I was really rude though….I accidently invited Brent over….and Danie came later. So no studying got done, and the Wizard Of Oz sequel turned up. It was a fun evening, although I still am quite bitter that I lost my argument over Musicals vs. Film. I should have won. I deserve to win. DAMN RIGHT. The only reason I lost was because I resorted to violence. But Danie resorted to singing, and I think that’s just as wrong.

I’m sorry Steph’s family for staying too late.

I LOVE YOU STEPH. Don’t cry. I get yelled at all the time. You’re gonna marry Quincy. You are going to do good on your exam.

Steph is stupid because she won’t come see Rent. (Steph says: if I could come you KNOW I would but I cant and your stupid for going a night I cant come. )
Brett! You are invited! And Kim is invited. And me and Danie are coming of course.
Brent is coming because his name rhymes with Rent, and he’s allowed to bring Adam if he wants to.
And! We’re going to watch The Fly. Damn right, we are.
I like swearing lately.
Jeff Goldblum = attractive. And apparently, Jesus.

Ummm…I have to work today. I thought you might like to know. I like working lately. Maybe it’s because I don’t have to call in sick as often. I feel sick. But I’m not gonna call in.



: (

Whatchya gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk…
I’m gonna get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump…

Create new post?

I think I just might.

In reference to my previous statement, addressing those who are insensitive and somewhat brain dead, I think I'm going to eleborate.
I'm hurt. I'm hurting, currently. Present tense. What happened? I'll tell you. Without names or specific situation, I'll give you words.

"sara, everytime I see you you've got something in your mouth."

Yes, I do. Because I'm experimenting with normality. If other kids are eating, I thought I might be able to as well. Thanks, though. It's always been my number one fear for people to notice when I'm eating? I've always thought that everytime something passed my lips, someone was thinking exactly what you just voiced.
I'll be sure to refrain from such an activity in the future.
You can be a team with "sara, you need something you can hide in" and "you look like you're pregnant"

"Hey! That medication you're taking...you're supposed to eat with it, right? I can tell you have been. Because you're not the way you said you might be. Try it sometime. Try just not eating for once, I want to see what you act like."

Hey! Fuck you....I've been trying that for the last six years. Until I found out my body is having some sort of identitity crisis. I found out that I might actually die from the aforementioned crisis, and yet, I still continue to be the most stupid human being on the planet other than you. This is why I don't tell people what the imbalance is. I'm scared they'll look it up and worry.
In death, size would not matter. Nor would feeling. I guess, consciously, that's why I try to cheat it. Because I want neither to matter in life.
Thanks. I didn't eat for the rest of the day because you aroused my curiosity. And I missed out on my great friend's birthday party because the floor felt like it kept coming up to meet me and I wanted to rip my skin off because of the way my stomach was trying to jump out my throat. I felt uneasy and nervous, more than usual, and I couldn't quite figure out whether my body was still attatched to my mind.
You don't want to see me like that, because you wouldn't notice any difference. I've become fairly adept at hiding pain and sickness.
Headaches are different.

So that's what happened to make me feel this way now. This weird and eerie calm that I know is hurt. I'm hurting because you got to the core of it without even trying. It's not fair, because not even I could say it so perfectly, knowing what I know about my feelings. I'm hurting because I just want to stop caring. Please. I want to eat without consequence. I want to feel what it's like to not be wanting.

Brent, don't feel that you have to have answers to everyone's questions. Sometimes we all need someone to just listen. Reassurance comes with knowing someone at least cares a little bit about what happens to you. This is obvious, yes, but here's to hoping you don't put too much responsibility on your words.
I know I've told you too much, and listened too little, and I'm probably a complete hypocrite. I'm sorry. You left before I could continue.
Why the hell do I repeat information a thousand times, you ask?
I'm never quite sure you believe me. Maybe you still don't.

p.s: I'm a huggy person too, I just don't normally initiate them. I'm too shy.

Kim, I hope your neice is ok....don't be sorry we couldn't hang out tonight. I spent the eving with my model car. Hot date that was. You should come over and help me build it. Won't that be fun? But no, we are going tobagganing with Chad and Trevor and Marcus.
Update your blog. Geez.
Oh, and Family Guy is rented out again.

Josh, come home for Christmas. It'll be fun.

That's all the people I feel a need to address.

No...wait....I lied. Everyone go to multimedia.srss.ca and watch "A Tale Of Two Hallways" and "Eos"
(in the archives)

indifferent, now.

Dear World,

I've had an interesting and turbulent weekend. Friday started out pretty good, I went to my aunts wedding and got to see my two darling cousins that I haven't seen in years, and probably won't be seeing for awhile. This already struck me as sad because when I was a kid, I stuck to them like glue. I hung out with them all the time, and when I saw them, I realized how different they are. How old they were. And I didn't know them at all. I couldn't even think of what I could say that would strike up a conversation. Depressing, but not overly so. I just stood beside them, and that was good enough for me because I missed them so damn much.
I really need to go visit them someday.
Then, I went to Josh's apartment. I was supposed to be spending the night, but I was ditched there on my own. I don't think many people know why I was so panicked. And I think it's better that way. But anyway, there I was, panicking and frantic, and called my parents to come pick me up. They did so, and I came home. It was on this day that I realized who my friends weren't, not you Kim, but someone else who left me high and dry.
Yesterday was the emo day for me. The day when I was alone all day, spoke to no one at all, and watched documentaries on people who had achieved something. All skinny, perfect people who claimed had hard times being popular all through school. I am none of the above.

Anyway, I am not exactly a happy camper today. For those of you that care, which is no one, I feel a need to give up all efforts at being different. I've said this before, and it's already gotten the ball rolling. I want to be stronger, I want to be perfect, and even though I know this is a tiring game that will inevitably lead me to seek out more people who will care and later give up on me, I'm not so sure I don't want to do this.
I'm one of those teenagers I think are so stupid.

Ah geez.

ROAD TRIP!!!

Oh, who-is-oh-so-totally-up-for-a-crispy-crème-roadtrip?

I KNOW I AM!

Sign up here! We can all go as a team!

(Brett…this means you!)

An update and a half, baby.

I haven't been around here in awhile. Maybe because it feels funny talking to air and computer screens. Typing things that probably no one will read. That's why I don't keep a diary...if I have something to say, someone better be reading it.

I am staying at home, in a place that is not my home, to protest the stupidity of a single man who insists upon putting young drivers on the icy roads and streets that will not be melting soon. I haven't driven in two days. I won't be driving for another few. I don't even know if I'm going home today, or if I'm staying here. It's Winter, and he came with a bang this year. I applaud the single teacher who offered for students to go home. I applaud the students that didn't go today. I figure it's probably better to aqquire an absence than lose your life.
Why weren't the schools closed?

Yesterday, they were smarter. Schools were closed all across the board, and it was the first time in a year. I went tobagganing with my dearest darling friends, Chad, Trevor, and Danie, and then watched a scary movie that didn't scare anyone. Well, except maybe the aforementioned Danie.
Love stories shouldn't exist between ghosts and reality.

I hope a blizzard hits, I do. Blizzards are beautiful, powerful things, far more pretty than Thunderstorms. It's the cold that makes you notice it more, the cold that keeps you inside and curled up in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate. And when you step outside, you can feel it more than you can feel rain. The ice hits you like knives, the wind wraps itself around you, and the ground never stops moving. I love those kinds of days. The days you get stranded with your friends in a house you've never been to, and the days that become adventures.
The only thing is, usually following a blizzard is a snow day. Unfortunately, school's are no longer following this policy. Apparently they like dead students. I know I've already mentioned this, but I am bitter and angry about it. Frick.

I'm sure I have more to say, but I can't remember it anymore.

I know you won't read this.

You've been ignoring me too long.
I hate you, and I don't think that's fair. You've shared everything I've felt for the last two years. You've held me when I needed it, said what I needed to hear, and forgot what I wanted. I needed you, and you knew it. I wanted to need no one, but you stayed by me just the same.
But now you're different, and I can't place why. You're distant, you're moody, and you won't tell me why.
I need to hear it.

Reception show tonight. I don't know if I want to go. I'm just into that scene anymore. I actually don't think I ever was into it, I just went because of other reasons. Reasons that collapsed a long time ago.
I think I'm setting myself up for tears.

WOW

oh my goodness. Best weekend of my life (except for one part) but...wow. I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm confused. I want to ask questions, but I won't. I won't because I don't need to know right now. I'm content with what he said and did, and we'll just leave it at that.
I didn't go to school today.

Back-To-School

I rarely update, so I'll make it long. Kim, you better comment. Then call me!

so, today was the first day back. I feel oh-so-cool because I'm in grade twelve, and I get to look down my nose at everyone else...well, except for the people who are cooler than me. Like most of the grade 10's. :( That hurts.
Anyway...so far...all my classes look really really good. Especially Multimedia. I have people I know in all my classes, so when we partner up, I won't die. I've actually already started on my World History term paper, because I NEED to do well in that class. My topic is world mythology, and the parellels between them all. 15 pages. I wept. But then I got started.
Technical English looks kind of rough, but you know what? I think I can do it. I really just want to get everything done, get decent marks, and go to University. I think I've decided on film now, but it changes from week to week, so I'll just need to get the grades. Ouch.

I don't have much else to report. My life is fairly boring. I'm leaving the province for a few days, but I'll be back before the week end is over.

AH!

I wrote a big long post! And it disappeared! I hate everyone!

Summer Time Post

No one is going to read this. But I hope they do. It will be long, because I never update.

I haven't been to work in a week, and I miss it. Stupid injuries. I feel so bad for not being there, like I let them all down. Because they always hate the sick and the weak the most. But hey, why should I care. I don't get paid based on how they feel about me.

Summer is the worst season. It's sweaty, painfully hott, and you need to look good inspite of it all. I'll always have a certain loyalty for fall. Not because of the colours, but because of the feelings. Summer just died, and you're waiting for the worst to come. Sometimes Winter waits for awhile, just to watch you wake up every morning.

Sometimes he hates you because you love too much. Hate him. Sometimes that's the only way to feel nothing. Sometimes endings aren't meant to be turned into something else. How come no one accepts it?

Life is disappointing. Every time you think you have something, it always gets lost. I went shopping the other day, you know, like a really lame teenage girl always does. And, as per usual, I came out in tears. Why? Because I'm a lame teenage girl I guess. I just hate it so much, being this way. Unable to stop caring about the same old things. The habits aren't gone, they're quiet. And there are times, when I almost wish it were healthy. Sometimes I pretend it is.

Anyway, I just watched Cry Baby, and I'm still getting over the glorious-ness of it. It was probably the most...beautiful....Johnny Depp movie of them all. So until next time, comment if you want me to keep posting. I'm so tired of an empty blog. Also, I'm buying the Britney Spears' greatest hits CD. So there.

Plus, I'm done. Hair-dye time.

Good bye's are so hard...

This will be my final blog entry, since no one will actually read it when schools out. I hate that schools over, in a weird twisted way. I’m not going to see anyone. There will be no routine. And I still have one more year until I graduate. And then I’ll be in Europe, then Montreal. Then, who the hell knows what. I mean, I’m not going to go anywhere in life, really. I’m not good at anything.
I hope I’m in high school forever…just so I don’t have to decide what I’m going to fail at first.
Mr. Koop looks angry. I’m scared. I probably printed something wrong and now he’s going to humiliate me! Ahh!
I look silly today because I’m wearing a tanktop.
There’s a movie being filmed in Steinbach and guess who’s going to be an extra! W00t.
Anyway, Kim, promise me we’ll hang out in the summer? Because otherwise I’ll be lonesome. And we’ll visit the boys. It will be fun? And on July 1st, we’ll get them house warming presents. Like posters of Orlandoman. Or cutlery.
Anyway, farewell blog world. I’ll miss you.

long time, no see.

Hmm, I haven't updated in awhile. In my awesome possum blog. I actually found an actual store called "Possum". I want to go there and see if they sell possums that may or may not be awesome.
I work 3-6 today. It's a school day. That's right. Last week of school, I'm going for those extra hours and getting me some extra moneys. I like moneys. And from July to August (give or take two weeks because of the Edmonton plan), I NEED 30-35 hours a week. At least. If I don't get that, I may as well kiss University and Europe good bye. I need to save nearly every penny of every pay cheque. I owe my mother my entire next pay cheque, and after that, my savings money is going to have some company. Friends of mine will only see me on Sundays or in the evenings. Because work will be my home, damnit. I must go to Europe and let at least one of my dreams come true.
Because all my other ones fail. And someone else gets to live them.
You know what I was told the other day? By someone who I hadn't spoken to in a year? That I should be a model. I choked on something. Probably my low self esteem.
I didn't go to school today. I'm sleeping. I'm resting. I'm hating the world.
And exams.

“ I called.”

“Me? I was…”

“No. God.”

“You called God?”

“Yes.”

“How? Uh never mind…What did…God…have to say?”

“How disappointed he was.”

“Why was he disappointed?”

“He’s disappointed in all of us. Disappointed that no one else had thought to pick up the phone and call. And ask.”

“What did you ask?”

“I asked him how he was doing.”

“And..?”

“He said disappointed.”

“Ah. What else did you find to talk about?”

“Well, I told him about how I went for a walk that morning. I thanked him for making me a morning. Have you ever noticed how the most beautiful things are composed of the most ugly materials?”

“You told God this? Or…”

“Well, he said that’s what earth was. Beauty from horrific mistakes. Our mistakes, that is. The world was beautiful when it was dark, he said, when it was just him and his thoughts, which is why he made us. We are all just one of God’s thoughts, and we all link to each other because of it. Our world is just composed of stationary knowledge and moving thoughts and wondering. This is why our lives have no meaning, and we die when the train of thought ends. Our mistakes are just ruptures of thought and emotion in God’s head, and they’re always made right by interacting with a stronger notion.”

“Interesting philosophy.”

“Well, God didn’t say all that.”

“I thought so. What else did God say?”

“He’s not much for talking, only thinking.”

“Ah yes. So, what was the rest of this conversation like?”

“Just a series of fractured explanations and guarded responses. Until I heard the soft
* click * on the other end, that’s when God hung up.”

“He hung up?”

“Well, because I did first.”

“Lost me.”

“I hung up in my head, I counted to three, and then I let go of the connection. Because I didn’t want God to hurt anymore.”

“God was hurting?”

“I told you. No one ever calls. And it hurt him to know only a few would after me.”

“mm..ok. Ok.”

“You know, praying isn’t really talking to God.”

“mm?”

“Yeah, he said that praying only makes him more and more frustrated because he’s everywhere, and people keep closing their eyes.”

“Do you feel as if you’ve wasted your time after you pray?”

“Never have.”

“Ok, um, after God hung up, what did you do?”

“Held the phone just awhile longer.”

“Why?”

“Because I was scared to hang up. Sometimes a broken connection is better than a real one. It gives you something to concentrate and work on. But God never did come back, there was only some strange lady reminding me of just how broken this connection was.”

“Do you want to talk to God again?”

“I don’t know.”

“And what have you done from then until now?”

“Nothing. Left my eyes open because I’m scared to miss something.”

“Have you slept?”

“There’s no time for sleeping. Even one eye being open leaves room for missing something. So I went for another walk, this time in the dark.”

“And?”

“It was dark. I still missed everything. All I could do was listen to my heart beat and thoughts. Just me and my thoughts. Maybe that’s what I’m so afraid to miss. One great thought is worth thousands of others. And I wonder why no one ever calls me on my phone.”

“mm…?”

“Well, you know, I do the samething every night. I sit and wait by the phone. Try to think of who I can call who is still talking to me, which is no one. Which is why I think me and God listen to each other so well. Because no one ever wants to talk to us. I wonder if God wants to die as much as I do.”

“What do you think would happen?”

“His thoughts would all end.”

Here is another entry. No one commented on my last one. I hate you.
Not much has happened, and those of you who are actually taking the time to read this know that. Because everything I did on the weekend involved at least one of you.
Friday…Quentin’s funeral. I cried. I mean, I can’t say I was close to him. But I knew him and I knew his family since childhood. It’s just so sad because he didn’t deserve it. And his family doesn’t deserve to go through this.
Saturday…I went to see Strike! The musical. It was good. Danie’s a lucky girl to know what she wants. There were some bad times that night too, and you know who you are…when I say “you’re a jerk”, I’m only agreeing with you. And if you get mad at me for it one more time, I’m not paying you the 75 dollars. ( Please note, Strike! People, Jon wants his money. )
Sunday…my siblings and I went to Winnipeg. They went swimming while I wandered about the mall, consuming approximately a million calories. All of which came from Starbucks. I then spent the evening in a somewhat emo-like state. Feeling sorry for myself because of what I’m becoming. Shut up! Society MADE ME THIS WAY!
* cries *
And theeeen, it was Monday. Kim left for someone else. Either that or a…gasp…exam!
That night, I just watched the CSI marathon until my eyes almost bled. And then I slept.
That brings us up to today! Tuesday. It’s raining. I’m bored. It’s sixth period and I don’t want to read anymore magazine articles about hair.You’re a toaster! And you’ll never be anything more than a toaster! Damn, I’m out of kiwis.

“ I saw him again today.”

“ Who?”

“ Him.”

“ And where was…he?”

“All the usual places.”

“So you see him often now? ”

“He was sadder today. His eyes were grey this time.”

“ What colour are his eyes normally?”

“Black. Like empty spaces that can’t be filled. ”

“ Did he say anything to you this time?”

“Not in words. Pictures.”

“What kinds of pictures?”

“Snapshots. Of when we knew what it was like to know each other.”

“What did they look like?”

“Some of them were grey, faded. Some were torn in the corners. Worn…like he had washed them. Some were in colour, and all the colours ran together from the washing.”

“Why would he wash them?”

“Because they were dirty.”

“Dirty.”

“Yes.”

“Dirty how?”

“He tried to drown his sorrow, and he tried to take them with him. Dirty with the past.”

“Is your past unclean?”

“Is any past not?”
“What else happened?”

“He told me he meant it.”

“Meant what?”

“Meant it when he said what he said and when he did what he did. When he took both our lives and tried to drown them. Lives die easily. He broke it.”

“What did he break?”

“The mirror. His promise.”

“Why did he break the mirror?”

“Because he was angry with me. Angry because I wasn’t good enough. Because I didn’t deserve what he promised me.”

“What kind of promise?”

“A life long one.”

“And he broke it. Did that hurt you?”

“You’re getting quicker. You fill in the blanks.”

“….Why weren’t you good enough?”

“Because I was me.”

“hm…”

“He hates me now. He hates me still.”

“Because you weren’t good enough.”

“No. Because I’m not sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“He’s waiting for an apology. An ‘I’m sorry’ for me hurting him.”

“You hurt him?”

“By not being good enough. By not filling his need.”

“What did he need?”

“Love.”

“Did you not love him?”

“I needed him. Only needed. That was the deal. I couldn’t give anymore. I couldn’t want.”

“What did he give you?”

“More.”

“More…?”

“ Sometimes he wanted instead of needed.”

“And you weren’t…good enough to want him in return.”

“It wasn’t fair. And I never agreed to play by his rules.”

“Did he show you or say anything else?”

“Yes. He thought without saying. Sometimes he thinks so loud, I think the world can hear his hate. He showed me his past. I wasn’t in it.”

“Did that hurt you?”

“He doesn’t remember me. He erased me.”

“But he…showed you pictures…of you and him?”

“Of the empty spaces we used to fill.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means we don’t exist anymore. We are a non existent past tense.”

“He doesn’t…remember you…but he…comes to you? For you to see? To hear?”

“He doesn’t come, I go. I remember him. I need to see what he has to say.”

“So you speak to him?”

“ I try to make him remember. I ask him why his eyes have changed.”

“You’ve switched to present tense.”

“Present tense questions to create a past tense.”

“hm. Why have his eyes changed?”

“Because he’s changed.”

“ What do you remember?”

“ Him.”

“And what else?”

“Our life.”

“Our? Yours and his? Is that all?”

“It’s all I needed.”

“What happened?”

“He broke it.”

“Because you weren’t good enough. We were there.The mirror and his promise. Is there more you want to say?”

“That’s what happened.”

“Ok. Tell me, about him…drowning his sorrows?”

“We died. We drowned with him.”

“ You left?”

“We did. Apart. I never saw the way he existed again. I was his sorrow. We were. Together.”

“What did he look like…when he…existed that way?”

“Perfect. Like a picture.”

“ Ok…Tell me, what did you do after seeing him today?”

“I threw up.”

“ You felt ill?”

“No.”

“ hm.”

“I threw up to make space for the hating.”

“Hating him?”

“Him hating me. You know, sometimes I wish I were a person like you. Sit and ask the questions even I’m afraid to answer. Are you scared of your own life? Your own answers?”

“Are you scared?”

“I’m scared because I’m the only one.”

“Only one?”

“ I’m the only one who can talk to my ghosts. ”

A Public Announcement

I did something today that I'm not sure I'm sorry for.

I told you, Kim, exactly what it is thats wrong with me. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not sorry you know, because I completely trust you. You're one of my closest friends. I just feel bad if I put any sort of strain on things. I don't want you to feel all weird around me, or that I get offended by anything. I don't, honestly, because I know whatever you call me isn't real. You don't mean any of it anymore than I do. And I don't want you to be all worried and stuff, because it's nothing huge, it's nothing imminent. Just a problem. That's all. It's not as bad as it used to be. It's just that today I kind of learned that the rest of my life will pretty much be spent trying not to die and trying not to do what I want. Because it's comfortable, my insecurity. It's normal for me to be this way. And I'm not the dictionary definition of the medical term, I can't be summed up in that one word.
My secrets are better left unsaid, and I know it. I don't know what made me tell you. Maybe it's just because I honestly don't want to get sick anymore. I don't need to miss anymore days of school because of this. I know the side effects, but I never really cared before.
As for a medical professional knowing, well, he's told me that what I was doing was 'dangerous' without me even telling him what it is I do. I haven't gone back him since. Because I don't need that sort of pressure on me, because it's not like I LIKE what I'm doing. I just do it. I need to. I've only seen one other since, and she's the one who told me I was lacking nutrients. That's when meat was back on the menu, you know. So now you know that vegetarianism isn't the only thing that made me unhealthy. But whatever.
So this is really long. I kind of feel guilty for saying anything, I am. Really, because it's not fair. But now you know. And you know the real reason why me and Matt don't speak anymore.
Don't think I'm crazy, or that everything in my life stems from it, because I think I'm still the same person you used to view as normal. Vanity isn't my issue, and I want you to know I'm not so self absorbed as that. I don't think of myself as pretty.
But thanks for letting me tell you. I kind of feel better knowing that someone else knows. Someone that I trust. That's the end of my story. I don't know if I can say much more. But yeah.
Sorry I made everything bad.

Todaaay.

So, my new favourite thing in the world is hearing Strong Bad mutter to himself about random things. It's quite hilarious.
I hate my life. I failed my drivers test because I'm a LOSER. I mean, I'm already a loser because I blog, but now I'm twice as bad. And because I'm still blogging.
And because....well...I don't need another reason.
Ugh.

Longest Survey EVER.

001. What is your name: Sara
002. Your Name Backwards: Aras
003. Date of birth: October 21st, 1988
004. Male or female: Female
005. Astrological sign: Libra
006. Nicknames: ‘chubs’ : (
007. Occupation: Cashier
008. Height: 5'7
009. Weight: Too much
010. Hair color: Red brown. Like the red river. Tasty.
011. Eye color: Brown
012. Where were you born: Win a pig
013. Where do you reside now: Win a pig?
014. Age: 16
015. Screen names: What do you care, Kim?
016. E-mail addy: psh.
017. What does your screen name stand for: my name.
018. What is your journal name: Cheer up emo kid.
019. What does your journal name stand for: emo kids.
020. Pets: cats cats and more cats.
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 4
022. Piercings: ears
023. Tattoo's: None
024. Shoe size: 9. Yes. I am a duck
025. Righty or lefty: Righty
026. Wearing: Grossness.
027. Hearing: American Idol
028. Feeling: Like this is a long survey already.
029. Eating/drinking: Nothing Love and Relationships
061. Have you ever been in love: no.
062. How many people have you said "I love you" to: most people.
063. How many people have you been in love with: None
064. How many people have you kissed: umm. None.
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: sexually? No.
066. How many people have you dated: um. Unofficially, two.
067. What do you look for in a guy/girl: Shares the same beliefs and feelings. Looks hott. All the time.
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Everything.
069. What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: Boys. The male kind.
073. Do you have a crush right now: no.
074. If so who is it: no.
075. Do you believe in love at first sight: yes.
076. Do you remember your first love: of course.
077. Who is the first person you kissed: um. Sexually? No one.
078. Do you believe in fate: Yes
079. Do you believe in soul mates: Yes
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: EventuallyFamily
104. How many siblings do you have: 2
105. What are your parents names: huh?
106. What are your siblings names: huh? Pay attention to me again!
107. How many siblings does your mother have: lots.
108. How many siblings does your father have: several.
109. Where are your parents from: Everywhere.
110. Is your family close: You’re not paying attention to me.
111. Does your family get together for holidays: yes.
112. Do you have a drunk uncle: ?
113. Any medical problems run through your family: ‘course.
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee: nope.
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews: nope.
116. Are your parents divorced: No
117. Do you have step parents: No 1
18. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: No
120. Did some of your family come to America from another country: Yeah Music Stuff
121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life: Any emo song ;)
122. What's the most embarrasing cd you own: umm…let’s see…nothing.
123. What's the best cd you own: Phantom Of the Opera.
124. What song do you absolutely hate: ugh. Most of them.
125. Do you sing in the shower: nuh uh.
126. What song reminds you of that special someone: Love songs.
Favorites
152. Color: Red.
153. Food: seafood.
154. Song: “Hallelujah” –Leonard Cohen
155. Show: CSI, CSI: Miami
156. School subject: English. History. Drama. Photography.
157. Band/singer/artist: Oldies.
158. Animal: Cats.
159. Outfit: Anything that makes me look slim.
160. Radio station: none. They all suck.
161. Movie: hmm..Willy Wonka…Edward Scissorhands…Donnie Darko….
162. Pair of shoes: My sandles. So pretty.
163. Cartoon: None164. Actor: hmm…Johnny Depp. No contest.
165. Actress: I don’t know. They’re all ok, I guess. Nicole Kidman? Because she’s pretty.
166. Potato chip: I don't really like chips
167. Drink: Rum and coke.
168. Soda: Diet anything.
169. Holiday: Christmas
170. Perfume/cologne: ae aura
171. Pizza topping: cheese
172. Jello flavor: Raspberry
173. Lunch meat: hm.
174. Card Game: I HATE CARDS!!!
175. Video game: I don’t know.
176. Website: My blog. I mean, something un selfish. Like 204scene or google.
177. Book: I don’t know.
178. Computer game: um. None.
179. Number: A Million. 180. Cereal: Fruit Loops.
181. Comedian: Jerry Seinfeld or Jon Stewart
182. Dessert: Strawberries and chocolate.
183. Disney character: Alladin. Fine man. Right there.
184. Clothing store: You know, thrift stores.
185. Past time: Writing.
186. Teacher: Mrs. Cook or Mr. Hiebert. Koop sometimes.
187. Childhood toy: hmm, hard to say.
188. Carnival game/ride: Paratrooper.
189. Candy bar: ugh. No more for me. Ever. Don’t mention them again or I’ll kill you.
190. Magazine: People.
191. Salad dressing: Italian.
192. Thing to do on the weekend: Hang out with friends, relax, or work.
193. Hot drink: Coffee.
194. Season: Fall.
195. Sport to watch: None.
196. Person to talk to online: Brent or Jon R. Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
197. What color are your sheets: White.
198. What color are your bedroom walls: Red. This is getting sexy.
199. Do you have posters on your wall: Yes
200. If so of what: Movies. My own designs.
201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yeah.
202. How many pillows are on your bed: Too many.
203. What do you normally sleep in: my bed
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: T shirt.
205. What size bed do you have: Queen.
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: no?
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: No
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: Me, Kim and Danie being kidnapped.
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: No. I had to get rid of them all.
211. How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: Hey! Whoa!
212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions: Geez.
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling: No
214. Do you snore: No
215. How about drool: all the time.
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room: yes
217. What color is the carpet in your room: whiteish
218. What's under your bed: nothing. This or That
219. loser/wannabe: wannabe
220. Doughnuts/bagels: Doughnuts
221. Day/night: evening
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: West. I mean, good.
223. Heaven/hell: Heaven
224. Make love/have sex: Make love (when you are married.)
225. Coffee/tea: Coffee
226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: yuck.
227. Rap/rock: rock228. Britney/Christina: Britney. The original bubble gum pop gone bad. 229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: Swiss.
230. Real World/Road Rules: Don’t know either.
231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: Both are sooo awesome…
232. Silver/gold: Silver233. Nike/Adidas: Nike.
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: McDonalds.
235. Sweet/sour: Sweet 236. Punk/emo: EMO!!!!!!
237. Hot/cold: I am Hot. We’ll leave it at that.
238. Winter/summer: Summer.
239. Spring/fall: Fall
240. Operas/plays: Plays
241. Read/watch tv: Read
242. Cd's/tapes: CDs
243. Dvd's/vhs: DVDs
244. Old/new: Old. Vintage. Pretty.
245. Shorts/skirts: Skirts246. Pink/red: Red.
247. Colored pictures/black and white photos: Black and white.
248. Meat/vegetables: Vegetables
249. Mexican food/chinese food: Chinese
250. Commercials/infomercials: Commercials.
251. Scary movies/comedies: Scary movies, watched with a friend
252. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: One piece for me.
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals.
254. Dogs/cats: Cats.
255. Unicorns/fairies: Fairiiies. Lalalalalala.
256. Water/land: Land.
257. Sugar/spice: Everything nice (I am laaame. )
258. Black/white: Black. Emo black.
259. ribbons/bows: Ribbons.
260. Chicken/beef: Beef
261. Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: White
262. Cars/trucks: Cars.
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: James Bond.
264. Popcorn/pretzels: Popcorn
265. Hip/hop: I have big hips.
266. Passionate kiss/peck: I’ll say passion.
267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: “real” you mean. No. neither.
268. Back rub/foot massage: mmm…backrub…
.269. Picture frames/photo albums: photo albums.
270. Pens/pencils: pens. Name Game What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?
299. Jack: ROSE!
300. Tiffany: M and B.
301. Nicky: Hilton.
302. Maria: How do you solve a problem like Maria…
303. Jennifer: Bennifer ( I lose )
304. Nicole: Danie’s sister.
305. Amy: Unger.
306. Adam: Pries.
307. Richard: My next-to brother friend.
308. Justin: Timberlake
309. Arnold: ‘I’ll be back’
310. Tom: French Tom! My favourite Tom! I heart him. Lots.
311. Melissa: I miss Melissa…
312. Charlotte: Charlotte’s Web.
313. Harold: I got nothing.
314. John: Delvekio. Is that it? Is that how you spell it? If not…I can spell Rash…
315. Joel: Friesen.
316. Vanessa: Plett.
317. Michelle: My best friend in grade seven
318. Kevin: my next-to-brother friend.
319. Brent: Tooth.
320. Jake: um…I got nothing.
321. Billy: Boyd
322. Sarah: My name is not spelled like that. Bonus point.
323. Natalie: Loughrin.
324. Christy: I got nothing.
325. Nick: Carter
326. Linda: nothing.
327. Taylor: Tylor. Even though they are different.
328. Jordan: Derksen.
329. Jamie: Jaymie.
330. Adrian: Clarkson. I don’t know why. Have You Ever
331. Mooned anyone: No
332. Been on a diet: Yeah.
333. Been to a foreign country: no. I hate my life.
334. Broken a bone: Chipped it.
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling: No
336. Swear at a teacher: Not when they were in ear shot?
337. Talked to a journal member via emails or instant messages: um. No?
338. Got in a fight: I’m a sissy.
339. Dated a teacher: ew. That is all I have to say.
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants: Yes...
341. Thought about killing your enemy: Maybe.
342. Gone skinny dipping: No
343. Met another journal member in the flesh: um. No?
344. Told a little white lie: No. I mean. Yes.
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell: Yes. For their benefit, not mine.
346. Stolen anything: Nothing major. A pen. From someone at Subway.
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid: All the time.
348. Been on TV: nope.
349. Been on the radio: nope.
350. Been in a mosh pit: Yes. Reliant K. 2002.
351. Been to a concert: Yes
352. Dated one of your best friends: I don’t think so.
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry: yeah.
354. Deceived somebody close to you: Not to hurt them.
355. Broken the law: I’m undercover and LAME.
356. Been to a rodeo: no.
357. Been on a talk show: No
358. Been on a game show: No
359. Been on an airplane: Yeah
360. Got to ride on a firetruck: yeah.
361. Came close to dying: Yes
362. Cheated on a bf/gf: no.
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride: Yes 3
64. Terrorized a babysitter: not that I remember.
365. Made a mud pie: yeah.
366. Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff: nope.
367. Snuck out of the house at night: No
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name: No
369. Had an eating disorder: yes.
370. Felt like you didn't belong: Always.
371. Felt like the 3rd wheel: Yes
372. Smoked: No
373. Done drugs: No
374. Been arrested: No
375. Had your tonsils removed: No.
376. Gone to camp: Yeah.
377. Won a bet: Yes. And they never forgot it.
378. Written a love letter: nope.
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love: not really.
380. Written a love poem: nope.
381. Kissed in the rain: nope
382. Slow danced with someone you love: No
383. Participated in cyber sex: no
384. Faked an orgasm: no.
385. Stolen a kiss: no.
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice: yeah.
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf: No
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love: No
389. Gotten a speeding ticket: No
390. Done jail time: No
391. Had to wear a uniform to work: Yes. Awoh.
392. Won a trophy: no393. Thrown up in public: no
394. Bowled a perfect game: no
395. Failed/got held back: No
396. Got perfect attendance in grade school: No
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds: No
398. Taken ballet lessons: no
399. Attempted suicide: No
400. Cut yourself: not really. Childhood Stuff
401. Did you play with Barbies: Yes
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls: No
403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210: No
404. Did you play Simon Says: Yes
405. Did you watch Fraggle Rock: No…I missed out.
406. Did you wet the bed: no.
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed: Yes
408. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them: No
409. Were you shy: Yes
410. Were you spoiled: no.
411. Were you abused: no.
412. Did you go to the circus: Yes
413. Did you go to the zoo: Yes
414. Were you in a car accident: Yes
415. Did you build snowmen: Yes
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee: Yes
417. Were your older cousins mean to you: No. Protective.
418. Did you think slinkies were cool: nope.
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer: No
420. Were you afraid of the dark: Still am.
421. Did you have slumber parties: Yes
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, sleeping bags, dolls: No
423. Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany: Tiffany who!
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/and the Tooth Fairy: YesRandomness 425. Do you believe in aliens: No
426. Name three things that are next to your computer: Shelf, speakers, CDs.
427. Do you have any hidden talents: probably.
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos: They do..sometimes…
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be: Drama
430. What would your movie star name be: “I-am-awesome”
431. Do you play any sports: no.
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen: Signs? Awoh…
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently: Willy Wonka!
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen: hmm…Lizzie Maguire.
435. Do you drive: Not yet…Tomorrow…
436. What is your dream car: car
437. Do you think your good looking: n-o spells what?
438. Do others think you are good looking: No.
439. Would you ever sky dive: no.
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot: yes….awoh.
441. How many rooms do you have in your house: What do I look like? An architect?
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters: yeah.
443. Do you believe in God: Yes 4
44. Do you believe in Satan: Somewhat. He’s minor, though, to me.
445. Do you believe there is a heaven: Yes
446. Do you believe there is a hell: Yes
447. Do you own a pooltable: No
448. Do you have a pool: Nope
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen: Yes
450. Do you like chocolate: Sometimes
451. Who/what is on your 2003 calendar: Cities
452. How many U.S. states have you been to: 0
453. Ever wished on a shooting star: Yes
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore: Cat that didn’t look like a cat
455. Do you carry any weapons on you: My sass
456. What is your weakness: Comments about my looks.
457. Name something you can't get enough of: Romance
458. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: Let’s not!
459. How many kids do you want to have: Don’t know.
460. Future daughters names: Blue, Cricket
461. Future sons names: Jimmy
462. What is your ideal way to die: peacefully
463. How do you release stress: Crying.
464. Do you consider yourself a trendy person: No
465. Are you an artisitic person: Yes.
466. Are you a realistic person?: No.
467. Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off: No
468. Are you a strong person: Yes
469. Are you a strong willed person: Yes
470. Who is the last person to e-mail you: Steph K.
471. Who is the last person to IM you: um…Tim F.
472. Do you hate chain e-mails: Send me one and I kill you.
473. Are you a deep sleeper: No
474. Are you a good story teller: Yes
475. What do you believe is your best quality: Understanding.
476. What is your greatest accomplishment: Getting my physics teacher to like me.
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense: yeah.
478. Do you do yoga: soooo much fun. I mean. Yes.
479. Do you have your own credit card: no.
480. Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all that money?: Spend it.
481. Do you have a check book: No
482. Do you like your drivers licence picture: Tomorrow, I hope.
483. Do you tan easily: no. Pale as death.
484. What color is your hair naturally: Brown Red.
485. How many fillings do you have: several.
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit: 2! Score!
487. Worst feeling in the world?: Getting shot down.
488. Best feeling in the world: A compliment.
489. Is the glass half empty or half full: Full. Duh. I’m so cheerful and stuff.
490. Last thing you downloaded: um. E-media notes.
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life?: No. I don’t use them. Ever.
492. What do you think people think of you: I don’t know.
493. Are you a likeable person: I hope so.
494. Do you need therapy: I don’t know.
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance: No
496. What the best way to be proposed to: psh.
497. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it FED UP: You’re ugly. Stop talking.
499. When are you moving: Two years, unofficially.
500. What's your favorite phrase: "your face!”

It’s days like this that make you wonder what you mean. Who you are. The questions filling your mind. Deciding what it is you feel, have faith in. What you know.It’s like a secret. That knowledge, that unknown. Who you are. Because you don’t know anyone, so it’s not like you can tell them. You know their names, perhaps their faces, and maybe something you heard between their words. Something that slipped out quietly from their lips, something you don’t know if you heard or not. But you don’t know them. You don’t know what they think about on those quiet evenings when they walk home from school. You don’t know what they do when it’s raining outside. You don’t know what self doubt they keep tucked away in their memories, what they see when they look in the mirror. You don’t know that nameless person somewhere in the colourless expanse of their mind, the one that channels the thoughts between themselves and what it is they believe in. God, maybe. Something else. You don’t know. You were always told faith could move mountains. But you’ve never really been sure, because no matter how hard you tried, nothing ever moved. Nothing changed, even if you believed. Things didn’t work out the way you prayed they would. There were no arms to hold you, no comforting words. Not when you needed them. And soon you stopped reading the Bible stories, and started reading people’s faces. That’s when you knew you weren’t alone, being alone. Sitting in the shadows, listening to the unspoken silence, the interrupted thoughts and sentences. That’s when you knew. No one believed the way they told you to. No one could. They needed God like a drug, like something they could hold over people’s heads. Something bigger than them. A thought they couldn’t control, but could speak for, if necessary. Speaking is everyone’s favourite part, forcing rules on nations because fear motivates them to do good. Or evil. Maybe God could do both, if you gave him a chance. That’s why you don’t want to give him a chance. Don’t want to see what he will do once he sees you in your hiding place, once he sees all those thoughts you’ve so carefully sorted through and hidden. And it’s not funny, although I do smile when I think of it. All the hypocrites lining outside the church doors, waiting for their chance to give a condescending dollar bill to an empty hand. Waiting to give a stranger a fake smile, or to say a layered ‘how are you’. You have to read the faces before you hear the words, or you’ll miss it. Miss either the light or the dark from within, the smile or the smirk. Both as deadly as a harsh word. Because people are funny like that. Using their looks and their words as weapons instead of gifts. The things you always pin on a teenager is really all of us. Every single one of us secretly wish the other will fall. Secretly wish we can kill someone's dream, and fulfill one of our own. No matter who we are, we wish it. When we throw those prayers for peace at the sky, close our eyes for a brief moment of thanks, we're wishing it then. Wishing God will bring us forth from our miserable existance and reward us for our hypocrisy. We're all wishing it at the same time. That's why you never join the snickering girls in the cafeteria. That's why you always take your lunch and sit on your own, where you can discreetly watch them. Watch them interact. Watch the leaders lead and the immitators mimick. Some hellos that are carelessly tossed around to keep up appearances. Friends are only friends because they remind you of someone you respected once. Now they're just regulars, filtering in and out of your thoughts and sight. And while you're walking to the bathroom to rid yourself of the calories, they're walking to the lunch line for more. And while you're laying outside in the sunlight, they're sitting in their own private thundershower. Where the lightning is only an effect, not a threat.
And you're so sure you're writing this to find some answers to the questions. Who you are. What you know. But you won't. Because by this time tomorrow, you'll already have forgotten the reason why you asked.

-----------

I am stupid. And I keep writing CRAP.

I am in school.

Sitting. Bored. I hate you. All of you.
KIM GO UPDATE YOUR BLOG PROPERLY! Make it long and make it good.

So um, I’m updating. Because I’m cool. Cooler than Kim, who hardly ever updates. I mean, come on, write anything, I do. It sounds like stupid, but I say it anyway.

I have my favourite thing in the world back. Landon’s Old Navy hoodie. I miss Landon. He moved to BC last year, and he’s only come to visit once. (For those of you who don’t know who Landon is, he’s awesome.) We were voted ‘most likely to get married’ in grade nine. He gave me this sweater as a symbol of his love, as well as his debit card. But he never gave me the pin number. hm. The moral of this story is that Landon should come visit me. We need to get married.

I hate Manitoba. I hate Schools. And I hate Questions. Hence, I hate the Manitoba Schools Question assignment.

My story for the day. I look like crap. I feel like crap. I’m supposed to go shopping, but I’m too scared that nothing will fit me. My scale told me I weigh a million pounds. I look like I weigh a million pounds. So I’m scared. when I feel like that, I’d rather just go by myself, so I’m not embarrassed by my clothing size. But I don’t want to go by myself either. And Kim, you can say I’m not fat all you want, but still. It bothers me that I can’t just take things off the racks and wear them. It does. Because skinny people are pretty and perfect. I hate them.

I also hate working. Which is what I’m doing tonight. But I’m poor and I need some money. And I thought it out…my job isn’t so bad. I’m not doing any manual labour. I’m not getting hurt. I’m not dealing with gross things, like food and garbage and such things. I just scan things and take money. I mean, money IS really gross, but hey. It’s not slimy. So all in all, my job would be perfect if there weren’t any evil managers and evil co workers. Then my job would be fine.

Apparently, there’s a ‘really cute’ exchange student coming next year. According to my teacher. I guess it’d be more exciting if I cared.

mmm.

Ok, Kim, if you're reading this before first period, I don't think I'm there. I had some blood testing crap to do at the hospital...but I'll be there the rest of the day.
You should come shopping with me and Danie on Thursday. I hate you.

So, the certain individual that totally ruined my week end is sucking up like crazy. I don't know how to react, because he's insisting he did nothing wrong and didn't mean anything by what happened. It just happened, and it "wasn't me". I don't know if I should still be angry or feel like a total bitch for calling him on it. I can't tell. At the time, it was obvious he was upset. But you know, he's making me unsure. Smoothing it all over, all complimenting and friendly...ugh. I think this time he's screwed himself over too well. I'm tired of this. I know what happened, and he can't tell me it didn't...
hmm...I wish it didn't confuse me so much. Maybe I AM a total bitch and I'm totally over reacting.

I also wish I didn't weigh a million pounds and look like a freaking COW. I mean, good gracious, I wish food didn't exist. Because then I'd be slim and gorgeous (after years of plastic surgery) But I'd be skinny, and that would make up for the face. I really need clothes, because I don't think I've gone shopping since...grade...nine? Mainly because I'm so self conscious that I get increasingly depressed after every store I go to. And I hardly speak for days afterward, and I don't buy ANYTHING. Unless it's Old Navy. Because I'm a 'small' there.
And I'm an XXXXXXXXXXL everywhere else. Size 10003454837434398 in pants. (thats a lot)
And I don't want to go by myself. I hate everything. *glares at cake* damn you. Damn you and your kind.

And now, my friend/s, I think I shall go rinse out this hair dye and see how pretty it looks. It's brown this time, no red. At least I hope not, because I'm tired of it.
Farewell.

sometimes I just want to hurt someone

seriously. Like when I'm driving and everyone's passing me on the high way. Damn cars. They think they're soooo fast, going the speed limit.
curse them. curse them all.
Or when I call someone and they obviously don't want to talk to me, but won't tell me why. And I feel like a total loser for calling them...and everything sucks and I don't know how to fix it, damnit. I hate boys. I hate older boys that think they own the world, or at least part of it, and wow..I'm so angry I don't even know what to do with myself. Seriously! Like, did I do something wrong? Tell me. You stupid ugly cow. (it hurts because it's an insult). But I've taken six months of his stupid little mind games, and after we decided (together) how things stand, now he wants no part of me. Is that fair? Is it fair for him to hurt my feelings because he doesn't want to "lead me on"? That's not an excuse, I wish he'd stop using it as one.
Gah. If anyone wants details on what happened last night to make me so pissed, ask me. I'll share it with you.
Drivers test in a week. Ouch. Scared whitless here.
But maybe Kim'll get hers fist. Good luck Kim!

i have nothing to say.

allow me to introduce myself.
i'm the girl from every paper back novel. the hopeless romantic with a dream. the movie character you never got to know. the face in the crowd that you never see.
the girl who wakes up every morning with no thoughts. whose situation changes like the wind. yes. no. yes. she comes downstairs, helpless from the start. powerless to stop the pain.
"stop dying."
the girl watching her world fall apart. piece by piece. holding shattered reasons in her hand, and leaving un finished sentences the way they are. unfinished. the girl with no meaning. the girl with no name.
the bitter one. autumn girl . the one who lives to see the leaves fall from the trees, the brilliant colours. red, gold. her favourites. walking through the rain, smiling in spite of herself. because the rain is so much prettier than the sun. the blinding sun. lying sun.
talentless girl. no choices. only decisions.
the single girl. the lonely-but-not-willing-to-admit it girl. the emo girl. watching the people in her life grow and change, while she stays the same. plain as day. the girl with a warped image. who can't tell you what she looks like, because she doesn't know. twice as big as the rest of the world. the girl who loves from a distance. scared of her own shadow. of boys. 0f pain. of you. the girl who lets herself slide into old habits because it's comfortable. it's safe. the girl whose weight fluxiates with her mood, and whose mood fluxiates without circumstance. the girl who sits beside you in almost every class. on every bus. in every theater.
the happy girl. the sad girl. the lovely girl. the ugly girl. thats me. i'm all of the above. you just never knew. i never said.

I'm sorry. This sucks. Badly.

That’s why I come here everyday. To see all of them. To see the same stupidity and selfishness that I find in myself. The same twisted senses of humor, the same self-absorbed outlook and the same hope.
When I look in the mirror, I see all of them. Every single one inside that face, inside those eyes, oozing out of every pore of my body. Every word I say, they’ve already said. Every thought has been thought before. And on every self-summary sheet, we all write “original”. “Unique”. Unique and original like everyone else. Situations differ, people are the same. All of us. Uniquely alike and all going towards the same inevitable demise. We will fail. We will not survive this world, and God only knows what comes next. We’ll all love and lose. We’ll all embarrass ourselves to the point where we don’t want to leave our homes. Our hovels. Our mansions. We’ll all wish and pray for something that will never come to be. We’ll all watch a loved one falter and know we’ve been there. We’ll all face disappointments, and we’ll all react in the same way. We’ll all hate, and love, and cry, and laugh, and barely be able to contain the words bursting from our minds.
Because that’s what we all are. Words. Numbers. Letters. Thoughts. Formed together to form our “unique” selves.


The letters are slow to come today. The pen hasn’t moved in what seems like hours, and the writing on the page is hardly legible. I pretend not to see as I walk past, pretend that there are no tears in my exhausted eyes. He doesn’t see me anymore anyway. I’ve become like the walls in the room he always sits in, the silent listener to his silent conversations. Usually he fills his pages with flowing ink marks, words that he will one day speak.
He’s going to go places, he writes. See things. Know things. Say things. And always, always, I believe. I believe he’s going to see the things in those places and say the things he knows. And the years go by, and the silence thickens. The broken dreams are written down, documented. And I read them. While he sleeps, I read them. I read about every thought in his head, his secrets he’s unable to tell. I read what and who he is. About how he can’t prove he exists. About how he doesn’t know if he’s real.
And pages later, his writing changes, and the dreams of speech and definitions of himself appear again.
The pen starts roaming across the paper again. The quiet movements are like the best of all the songs I’ve ever heard.
And I smile then, because I know. The little things haven’t been overlooked, because he’s been looking for them. It’s like a minor detail that shapes an entire world. Existance. Dreams. Silence.
He knows he’s there.

(I REALLY suck at writing.) (Like seriously. But I forgive myself because I felt slightly writer-ish, as happens some days, and documented in another secret blog, but today I took a risk and put it here. I apologize to your brains for making them cry.)

The Collage

It's finished! A ferris wheel, roller coaster, stairs, berries...and...andrew hedlin.
The thrill of your life...
Plus, everyone go to saraherv.deviantart.com. It's hott.

I'm disappointed that Roald Dahl didn't like the 1971 version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. Come on. It's amazing.
"Sweet lovers love in the spring time...a ring a ding sweet lovers love..."

"...we are the music makers...and we are the dreamers of dreams...."

Ok, so they weren't from the book. But those quotes are awesome. Who would have heard of these poems had they not been mentioned in that movie....

grrr.

Like a cat "grrr".
So, I don't know about this Jazz thing tonight. I mean, I want to come, it'd be fun, I guess, but I don't want to be the little one who tags along. Damn, I hate being young. I hate being the youngest out of all my friends. I also hate teenagers that lay down in the hall so that you have to step over them, and then laugh hysterically when you do. Ha ha. Next time, I'm stepping right on his crotch.
I also hate it when people call my house and ask for "john". Who is this John...? Where does he come from...?
I have come to a conclusion! Charlie and The Chocolate Factory is the best movie ... EVER. No joke. It's amazing, its wonderful, it's...got terrible acting, but I forgive them. It's minor, anyway. The best movies have the worst actors. (I'm kidding. But not about it being the best movie ever)

my Love list:

-colours
-blank notebooks
-the smell of new shoes
-not caring, just doing
-friends that invite me to do things after school or work
-not working
-films
-art
-skipping classes to eat perogies
-handwriting
-sleeping in
-winking
-dreams that I can remember
-Biology
-watching movies in school, instead of listening to the same droning voice for an hour
-getting a good grade
-Having people care what happens to me
-Hugs
-Rainy days
-good hair days
-crayons
-having someone tell me I look good, even if I know they're lying

The emo Story of my Life.

I have to write a screen play, and I'm drawing blanks.
I'm lonely, and I don't know why.
I'm stupid, and I don't know why.
I'm huge. And I know all too well why.
And I'm probably among the most unattractive people I can think of.
And I'm sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, because I'm a teenage girl who doesn't know anything. I don't know what I want to do when I graduate. I don't even know what I want to do on the days when I don't have to go back to that hell hole and scan groceries for hours and hours. I don't have money. I don't have a plan. I don't have a social life. And I do the dreaded comparison, when you look at another girl walking down the hallway, and I think "why couldn't I have been her?" When I know full well that this girl hurts for reasons I'll never know. She has another world that orbits around something else.
And honestly, I wish I weren't so whiney. I am happy. I'm cheerful most of the time, and a good liar. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I get a paycheque every week. I have wonderfully unconditional friends. But I still whine to this damn blog everytime. As if something about it makes me sad, mad, depressed. As if something about putting my fingers on the keyboard makes me pour out some pessimistic crap that illustrates the teenage mindset of today. The mindset we were taught to hate, but fall into pattern with anyway.
I really don't want to work tomorrow...

MY Hate list

-Liars
-Backstabbers
-Customers that leave the store a half hour after they're supposed to
-people who don't reply to important emails
-Sharpeners that eat pencils
-Physics
-Anything remotely related to physics
-Cleaning my room and bathroom. Every week.
-My hair, in all it's frizzy crapiness.
-Teenagers
-My age group
-Calories
-Plastic cutlery
-People who put 'chillin with my friends' down as a hobby in their profile.
-Tinfoil
-Anyone who thinks emo is uncool. Those kids are so much cooler than me.
-Mullets
-Public displays of affection.
-When I have something on my face and no one tells me
-Being mocked and not knowing it
-Wishes that never ever come true.
-Being lonely (emo!)
-People who put music lyrics in their msn name and AREN'T mocking the song
-Teachers hating me, and I don't know why. The good teachers
-Teachers liking me, and I don't know why. The bad teachers
-Not knowing which word to use for my collage

A Love List is coming soon too, so I don't look ENTIRELY bitter.

Someday, I'm going to make a hate list.

I, like cake. In the way that a cookie...

Yeah, I like cake. I just baked one. mmm.
Anyway! Everyone go to snopes.com and look at the awesome urban legends.
I deleted my old blog because I was tired of it, and it kept screwing up, and blah. I like this one far better, it's so...fresh. I've always wanted to use that word for something other and vegetables...

I wish I were a model. Then I would feel cool. And pretty.
I also wish I were eating a DQ brownie batter blizzard...

the new one.

I have a NEW blog. this is it.