A Public Announcement

I did something today that I'm not sure I'm sorry for.

I told you, Kim, exactly what it is thats wrong with me. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not sorry you know, because I completely trust you. You're one of my closest friends. I just feel bad if I put any sort of strain on things. I don't want you to feel all weird around me, or that I get offended by anything. I don't, honestly, because I know whatever you call me isn't real. You don't mean any of it anymore than I do. And I don't want you to be all worried and stuff, because it's nothing huge, it's nothing imminent. Just a problem. That's all. It's not as bad as it used to be. It's just that today I kind of learned that the rest of my life will pretty much be spent trying not to die and trying not to do what I want. Because it's comfortable, my insecurity. It's normal for me to be this way. And I'm not the dictionary definition of the medical term, I can't be summed up in that one word.
My secrets are better left unsaid, and I know it. I don't know what made me tell you. Maybe it's just because I honestly don't want to get sick anymore. I don't need to miss anymore days of school because of this. I know the side effects, but I never really cared before.
As for a medical professional knowing, well, he's told me that what I was doing was 'dangerous' without me even telling him what it is I do. I haven't gone back him since. Because I don't need that sort of pressure on me, because it's not like I LIKE what I'm doing. I just do it. I need to. I've only seen one other since, and she's the one who told me I was lacking nutrients. That's when meat was back on the menu, you know. So now you know that vegetarianism isn't the only thing that made me unhealthy. But whatever.
So this is really long. I kind of feel guilty for saying anything, I am. Really, because it's not fair. But now you know. And you know the real reason why me and Matt don't speak anymore.
Don't think I'm crazy, or that everything in my life stems from it, because I think I'm still the same person you used to view as normal. Vanity isn't my issue, and I want you to know I'm not so self absorbed as that. I don't think of myself as pretty.
But thanks for letting me tell you. I kind of feel better knowing that someone else knows. Someone that I trust. That's the end of my story. I don't know if I can say much more. But yeah.
Sorry I made everything bad.

Todaaay.

So, my new favourite thing in the world is hearing Strong Bad mutter to himself about random things. It's quite hilarious.
I hate my life. I failed my drivers test because I'm a LOSER. I mean, I'm already a loser because I blog, but now I'm twice as bad. And because I'm still blogging.
And because....well...I don't need another reason.
Ugh.

Longest Survey EVER.

001. What is your name: Sara
002. Your Name Backwards: Aras
003. Date of birth: October 21st, 1988
004. Male or female: Female
005. Astrological sign: Libra
006. Nicknames: ‘chubs’ : (
007. Occupation: Cashier
008. Height: 5'7
009. Weight: Too much
010. Hair color: Red brown. Like the red river. Tasty.
011. Eye color: Brown
012. Where were you born: Win a pig
013. Where do you reside now: Win a pig?
014. Age: 16
015. Screen names: What do you care, Kim?
016. E-mail addy: psh.
017. What does your screen name stand for: my name.
018. What is your journal name: Cheer up emo kid.
019. What does your journal name stand for: emo kids.
020. Pets: cats cats and more cats.
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake: 4
022. Piercings: ears
023. Tattoo's: None
024. Shoe size: 9. Yes. I am a duck
025. Righty or lefty: Righty
026. Wearing: Grossness.
027. Hearing: American Idol
028. Feeling: Like this is a long survey already.
029. Eating/drinking: Nothing Love and Relationships
061. Have you ever been in love: no.
062. How many people have you said "I love you" to: most people.
063. How many people have you been in love with: None
064. How many people have you kissed: umm. None.
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex: sexually? No.
066. How many people have you dated: um. Unofficially, two.
067. What do you look for in a guy/girl: Shares the same beliefs and feelings. Looks hott. All the time.
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Everything.
069. What type of guy/girl do you usually go for: Boys. The male kind.
073. Do you have a crush right now: no.
074. If so who is it: no.
075. Do you believe in love at first sight: yes.
076. Do you remember your first love: of course.
077. Who is the first person you kissed: um. Sexually? No one.
078. Do you believe in fate: Yes
079. Do you believe in soul mates: Yes
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours: EventuallyFamily
104. How many siblings do you have: 2
105. What are your parents names: huh?
106. What are your siblings names: huh? Pay attention to me again!
107. How many siblings does your mother have: lots.
108. How many siblings does your father have: several.
109. Where are your parents from: Everywhere.
110. Is your family close: You’re not paying attention to me.
111. Does your family get together for holidays: yes.
112. Do you have a drunk uncle: ?
113. Any medical problems run through your family: ‘course.
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee: nope.
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews: nope.
116. Are your parents divorced: No
117. Do you have step parents: No 1
18. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family: No
120. Did some of your family come to America from another country: Yeah Music Stuff
121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life: Any emo song ;)
122. What's the most embarrasing cd you own: umm…let’s see…nothing.
123. What's the best cd you own: Phantom Of the Opera.
124. What song do you absolutely hate: ugh. Most of them.
125. Do you sing in the shower: nuh uh.
126. What song reminds you of that special someone: Love songs.
Favorites
152. Color: Red.
153. Food: seafood.
154. Song: “Hallelujah” –Leonard Cohen
155. Show: CSI, CSI: Miami
156. School subject: English. History. Drama. Photography.
157. Band/singer/artist: Oldies.
158. Animal: Cats.
159. Outfit: Anything that makes me look slim.
160. Radio station: none. They all suck.
161. Movie: hmm..Willy Wonka…Edward Scissorhands…Donnie Darko….
162. Pair of shoes: My sandles. So pretty.
163. Cartoon: None164. Actor: hmm…Johnny Depp. No contest.
165. Actress: I don’t know. They’re all ok, I guess. Nicole Kidman? Because she’s pretty.
166. Potato chip: I don't really like chips
167. Drink: Rum and coke.
168. Soda: Diet anything.
169. Holiday: Christmas
170. Perfume/cologne: ae aura
171. Pizza topping: cheese
172. Jello flavor: Raspberry
173. Lunch meat: hm.
174. Card Game: I HATE CARDS!!!
175. Video game: I don’t know.
176. Website: My blog. I mean, something un selfish. Like 204scene or google.
177. Book: I don’t know.
178. Computer game: um. None.
179. Number: A Million. 180. Cereal: Fruit Loops.
181. Comedian: Jerry Seinfeld or Jon Stewart
182. Dessert: Strawberries and chocolate.
183. Disney character: Alladin. Fine man. Right there.
184. Clothing store: You know, thrift stores.
185. Past time: Writing.
186. Teacher: Mrs. Cook or Mr. Hiebert. Koop sometimes.
187. Childhood toy: hmm, hard to say.
188. Carnival game/ride: Paratrooper.
189. Candy bar: ugh. No more for me. Ever. Don’t mention them again or I’ll kill you.
190. Magazine: People.
191. Salad dressing: Italian.
192. Thing to do on the weekend: Hang out with friends, relax, or work.
193. Hot drink: Coffee.
194. Season: Fall.
195. Sport to watch: None.
196. Person to talk to online: Brent or Jon R. Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits
197. What color are your sheets: White.
198. What color are your bedroom walls: Red. This is getting sexy.
199. Do you have posters on your wall: Yes
200. If so of what: Movies. My own designs.
201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom: yeah.
202. How many pillows are on your bed: Too many.
203. What do you normally sleep in: my bed
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: T shirt.
205. What size bed do you have: Queen.
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed: no?
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom: No
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: Me, Kim and Danie being kidnapped.
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: No. I had to get rid of them all.
211. How many people can comfortably sleep comfortably in your bed: Hey! Whoa!
212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions: Geez.
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling: No
214. Do you snore: No
215. How about drool: all the time.
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room: yes
217. What color is the carpet in your room: whiteish
218. What's under your bed: nothing. This or That
219. loser/wannabe: wannabe
220. Doughnuts/bagels: Doughnuts
221. Day/night: evening
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: West. I mean, good.
223. Heaven/hell: Heaven
224. Make love/have sex: Make love (when you are married.)
225. Coffee/tea: Coffee
226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: yuck.
227. Rap/rock: rock228. Britney/Christina: Britney. The original bubble gum pop gone bad. 229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: Swiss.
230. Real World/Road Rules: Don’t know either.
231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: Both are sooo awesome…
232. Silver/gold: Silver233. Nike/Adidas: Nike.
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: McDonalds.
235. Sweet/sour: Sweet 236. Punk/emo: EMO!!!!!!
237. Hot/cold: I am Hot. We’ll leave it at that.
238. Winter/summer: Summer.
239. Spring/fall: Fall
240. Operas/plays: Plays
241. Read/watch tv: Read
242. Cd's/tapes: CDs
243. Dvd's/vhs: DVDs
244. Old/new: Old. Vintage. Pretty.
245. Shorts/skirts: Skirts246. Pink/red: Red.
247. Colored pictures/black and white photos: Black and white.
248. Meat/vegetables: Vegetables
249. Mexican food/chinese food: Chinese
250. Commercials/infomercials: Commercials.
251. Scary movies/comedies: Scary movies, watched with a friend
252. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: One piece for me.
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: sandals.
254. Dogs/cats: Cats.
255. Unicorns/fairies: Fairiiies. Lalalalalala.
256. Water/land: Land.
257. Sugar/spice: Everything nice (I am laaame. )
258. Black/white: Black. Emo black.
259. ribbons/bows: Ribbons.
260. Chicken/beef: Beef
261. Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: White
262. Cars/trucks: Cars.
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: James Bond.
264. Popcorn/pretzels: Popcorn
265. Hip/hop: I have big hips.
266. Passionate kiss/peck: I’ll say passion.
267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: “real” you mean. No. neither.
268. Back rub/foot massage: mmm…backrub…
.269. Picture frames/photo albums: photo albums.
270. Pens/pencils: pens. Name Game What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?
299. Jack: ROSE!
300. Tiffany: M and B.
301. Nicky: Hilton.
302. Maria: How do you solve a problem like Maria…
303. Jennifer: Bennifer ( I lose )
304. Nicole: Danie’s sister.
305. Amy: Unger.
306. Adam: Pries.
307. Richard: My next-to brother friend.
308. Justin: Timberlake
309. Arnold: ‘I’ll be back’
310. Tom: French Tom! My favourite Tom! I heart him. Lots.
311. Melissa: I miss Melissa…
312. Charlotte: Charlotte’s Web.
313. Harold: I got nothing.
314. John: Delvekio. Is that it? Is that how you spell it? If not…I can spell Rash…
315. Joel: Friesen.
316. Vanessa: Plett.
317. Michelle: My best friend in grade seven
318. Kevin: my next-to-brother friend.
319. Brent: Tooth.
320. Jake: um…I got nothing.
321. Billy: Boyd
322. Sarah: My name is not spelled like that. Bonus point.
323. Natalie: Loughrin.
324. Christy: I got nothing.
325. Nick: Carter
326. Linda: nothing.
327. Taylor: Tylor. Even though they are different.
328. Jordan: Derksen.
329. Jamie: Jaymie.
330. Adrian: Clarkson. I don’t know why. Have You Ever
331. Mooned anyone: No
332. Been on a diet: Yeah.
333. Been to a foreign country: no. I hate my life.
334. Broken a bone: Chipped it.
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling: No
336. Swear at a teacher: Not when they were in ear shot?
337. Talked to a journal member via emails or instant messages: um. No?
338. Got in a fight: I’m a sissy.
339. Dated a teacher: ew. That is all I have to say.
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants: Yes...
341. Thought about killing your enemy: Maybe.
342. Gone skinny dipping: No
343. Met another journal member in the flesh: um. No?
344. Told a little white lie: No. I mean. Yes.
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell: Yes. For their benefit, not mine.
346. Stolen anything: Nothing major. A pen. From someone at Subway.
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid: All the time.
348. Been on TV: nope.
349. Been on the radio: nope.
350. Been in a mosh pit: Yes. Reliant K. 2002.
351. Been to a concert: Yes
352. Dated one of your best friends: I don’t think so.
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry: yeah.
354. Deceived somebody close to you: Not to hurt them.
355. Broken the law: I’m undercover and LAME.
356. Been to a rodeo: no.
357. Been on a talk show: No
358. Been on a game show: No
359. Been on an airplane: Yeah
360. Got to ride on a firetruck: yeah.
361. Came close to dying: Yes
362. Cheated on a bf/gf: no.
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride: Yes 3
64. Terrorized a babysitter: not that I remember.
365. Made a mud pie: yeah.
366. Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff: nope.
367. Snuck out of the house at night: No
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name: No
369. Had an eating disorder: yes.
370. Felt like you didn't belong: Always.
371. Felt like the 3rd wheel: Yes
372. Smoked: No
373. Done drugs: No
374. Been arrested: No
375. Had your tonsils removed: No.
376. Gone to camp: Yeah.
377. Won a bet: Yes. And they never forgot it.
378. Written a love letter: nope.
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love: not really.
380. Written a love poem: nope.
381. Kissed in the rain: nope
382. Slow danced with someone you love: No
383. Participated in cyber sex: no
384. Faked an orgasm: no.
385. Stolen a kiss: no.
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice: yeah.
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf: No
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love: No
389. Gotten a speeding ticket: No
390. Done jail time: No
391. Had to wear a uniform to work: Yes. Awoh.
392. Won a trophy: no393. Thrown up in public: no
394. Bowled a perfect game: no
395. Failed/got held back: No
396. Got perfect attendance in grade school: No
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds: No
398. Taken ballet lessons: no
399. Attempted suicide: No
400. Cut yourself: not really. Childhood Stuff
401. Did you play with Barbies: Yes
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls: No
403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210: No
404. Did you play Simon Says: Yes
405. Did you watch Fraggle Rock: No…I missed out.
406. Did you wet the bed: no.
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed: Yes
408. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them: No
409. Were you shy: Yes
410. Were you spoiled: no.
411. Were you abused: no.
412. Did you go to the circus: Yes
413. Did you go to the zoo: Yes
414. Were you in a car accident: Yes
415. Did you build snowmen: Yes
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee: Yes
417. Were your older cousins mean to you: No. Protective.
418. Did you think slinkies were cool: nope.
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer: No
420. Were you afraid of the dark: Still am.
421. Did you have slumber parties: Yes
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, sleeping bags, dolls: No
423. Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany: Tiffany who!
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/and the Tooth Fairy: YesRandomness 425. Do you believe in aliens: No
426. Name three things that are next to your computer: Shelf, speakers, CDs.
427. Do you have any hidden talents: probably.
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos: They do..sometimes…
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be: Drama
430. What would your movie star name be: “I-am-awesome”
431. Do you play any sports: no.
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen: Signs? Awoh…
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently: Willy Wonka!
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen: hmm…Lizzie Maguire.
435. Do you drive: Not yet…Tomorrow…
436. What is your dream car: car
437. Do you think your good looking: n-o spells what?
438. Do others think you are good looking: No.
439. Would you ever sky dive: no.
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot: yes….awoh.
441. How many rooms do you have in your house: What do I look like? An architect?
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters: yeah.
443. Do you believe in God: Yes 4
44. Do you believe in Satan: Somewhat. He’s minor, though, to me.
445. Do you believe there is a heaven: Yes
446. Do you believe there is a hell: Yes
447. Do you own a pooltable: No
448. Do you have a pool: Nope
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen: Yes
450. Do you like chocolate: Sometimes
451. Who/what is on your 2003 calendar: Cities
452. How many U.S. states have you been to: 0
453. Ever wished on a shooting star: Yes
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore: Cat that didn’t look like a cat
455. Do you carry any weapons on you: My sass
456. What is your weakness: Comments about my looks.
457. Name something you can't get enough of: Romance
458. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: Let’s not!
459. How many kids do you want to have: Don’t know.
460. Future daughters names: Blue, Cricket
461. Future sons names: Jimmy
462. What is your ideal way to die: peacefully
463. How do you release stress: Crying.
464. Do you consider yourself a trendy person: No
465. Are you an artisitic person: Yes.
466. Are you a realistic person?: No.
467. Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off: No
468. Are you a strong person: Yes
469. Are you a strong willed person: Yes
470. Who is the last person to e-mail you: Steph K.
471. Who is the last person to IM you: um…Tim F.
472. Do you hate chain e-mails: Send me one and I kill you.
473. Are you a deep sleeper: No
474. Are you a good story teller: Yes
475. What do you believe is your best quality: Understanding.
476. What is your greatest accomplishment: Getting my physics teacher to like me.
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense: yeah.
478. Do you do yoga: soooo much fun. I mean. Yes.
479. Do you have your own credit card: no.
480. Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all that money?: Spend it.
481. Do you have a check book: No
482. Do you like your drivers licence picture: Tomorrow, I hope.
483. Do you tan easily: no. Pale as death.
484. What color is your hair naturally: Brown Red.
485. How many fillings do you have: several.
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit: 2! Score!
487. Worst feeling in the world?: Getting shot down.
488. Best feeling in the world: A compliment.
489. Is the glass half empty or half full: Full. Duh. I’m so cheerful and stuff.
490. Last thing you downloaded: um. E-media notes.
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life?: No. I don’t use them. Ever.
492. What do you think people think of you: I don’t know.
493. Are you a likeable person: I hope so.
494. Do you need therapy: I don’t know.
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance: No
496. What the best way to be proposed to: psh.
497. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would they call it FED UP: You’re ugly. Stop talking.
499. When are you moving: Two years, unofficially.
500. What's your favorite phrase: "your face!”

It’s days like this that make you wonder what you mean. Who you are. The questions filling your mind. Deciding what it is you feel, have faith in. What you know.It’s like a secret. That knowledge, that unknown. Who you are. Because you don’t know anyone, so it’s not like you can tell them. You know their names, perhaps their faces, and maybe something you heard between their words. Something that slipped out quietly from their lips, something you don’t know if you heard or not. But you don’t know them. You don’t know what they think about on those quiet evenings when they walk home from school. You don’t know what they do when it’s raining outside. You don’t know what self doubt they keep tucked away in their memories, what they see when they look in the mirror. You don’t know that nameless person somewhere in the colourless expanse of their mind, the one that channels the thoughts between themselves and what it is they believe in. God, maybe. Something else. You don’t know. You were always told faith could move mountains. But you’ve never really been sure, because no matter how hard you tried, nothing ever moved. Nothing changed, even if you believed. Things didn’t work out the way you prayed they would. There were no arms to hold you, no comforting words. Not when you needed them. And soon you stopped reading the Bible stories, and started reading people’s faces. That’s when you knew you weren’t alone, being alone. Sitting in the shadows, listening to the unspoken silence, the interrupted thoughts and sentences. That’s when you knew. No one believed the way they told you to. No one could. They needed God like a drug, like something they could hold over people’s heads. Something bigger than them. A thought they couldn’t control, but could speak for, if necessary. Speaking is everyone’s favourite part, forcing rules on nations because fear motivates them to do good. Or evil. Maybe God could do both, if you gave him a chance. That’s why you don’t want to give him a chance. Don’t want to see what he will do once he sees you in your hiding place, once he sees all those thoughts you’ve so carefully sorted through and hidden. And it’s not funny, although I do smile when I think of it. All the hypocrites lining outside the church doors, waiting for their chance to give a condescending dollar bill to an empty hand. Waiting to give a stranger a fake smile, or to say a layered ‘how are you’. You have to read the faces before you hear the words, or you’ll miss it. Miss either the light or the dark from within, the smile or the smirk. Both as deadly as a harsh word. Because people are funny like that. Using their looks and their words as weapons instead of gifts. The things you always pin on a teenager is really all of us. Every single one of us secretly wish the other will fall. Secretly wish we can kill someone's dream, and fulfill one of our own. No matter who we are, we wish it. When we throw those prayers for peace at the sky, close our eyes for a brief moment of thanks, we're wishing it then. Wishing God will bring us forth from our miserable existance and reward us for our hypocrisy. We're all wishing it at the same time. That's why you never join the snickering girls in the cafeteria. That's why you always take your lunch and sit on your own, where you can discreetly watch them. Watch them interact. Watch the leaders lead and the immitators mimick. Some hellos that are carelessly tossed around to keep up appearances. Friends are only friends because they remind you of someone you respected once. Now they're just regulars, filtering in and out of your thoughts and sight. And while you're walking to the bathroom to rid yourself of the calories, they're walking to the lunch line for more. And while you're laying outside in the sunlight, they're sitting in their own private thundershower. Where the lightning is only an effect, not a threat.
And you're so sure you're writing this to find some answers to the questions. Who you are. What you know. But you won't. Because by this time tomorrow, you'll already have forgotten the reason why you asked.

-----------

I am stupid. And I keep writing CRAP.

I am in school.

Sitting. Bored. I hate you. All of you.
KIM GO UPDATE YOUR BLOG PROPERLY! Make it long and make it good.

So um, I’m updating. Because I’m cool. Cooler than Kim, who hardly ever updates. I mean, come on, write anything, I do. It sounds like stupid, but I say it anyway.

I have my favourite thing in the world back. Landon’s Old Navy hoodie. I miss Landon. He moved to BC last year, and he’s only come to visit once. (For those of you who don’t know who Landon is, he’s awesome.) We were voted ‘most likely to get married’ in grade nine. He gave me this sweater as a symbol of his love, as well as his debit card. But he never gave me the pin number. hm. The moral of this story is that Landon should come visit me. We need to get married.

I hate Manitoba. I hate Schools. And I hate Questions. Hence, I hate the Manitoba Schools Question assignment.

My story for the day. I look like crap. I feel like crap. I’m supposed to go shopping, but I’m too scared that nothing will fit me. My scale told me I weigh a million pounds. I look like I weigh a million pounds. So I’m scared. when I feel like that, I’d rather just go by myself, so I’m not embarrassed by my clothing size. But I don’t want to go by myself either. And Kim, you can say I’m not fat all you want, but still. It bothers me that I can’t just take things off the racks and wear them. It does. Because skinny people are pretty and perfect. I hate them.

I also hate working. Which is what I’m doing tonight. But I’m poor and I need some money. And I thought it out…my job isn’t so bad. I’m not doing any manual labour. I’m not getting hurt. I’m not dealing with gross things, like food and garbage and such things. I just scan things and take money. I mean, money IS really gross, but hey. It’s not slimy. So all in all, my job would be perfect if there weren’t any evil managers and evil co workers. Then my job would be fine.

Apparently, there’s a ‘really cute’ exchange student coming next year. According to my teacher. I guess it’d be more exciting if I cared.

mmm.

Ok, Kim, if you're reading this before first period, I don't think I'm there. I had some blood testing crap to do at the hospital...but I'll be there the rest of the day.
You should come shopping with me and Danie on Thursday. I hate you.

So, the certain individual that totally ruined my week end is sucking up like crazy. I don't know how to react, because he's insisting he did nothing wrong and didn't mean anything by what happened. It just happened, and it "wasn't me". I don't know if I should still be angry or feel like a total bitch for calling him on it. I can't tell. At the time, it was obvious he was upset. But you know, he's making me unsure. Smoothing it all over, all complimenting and friendly...ugh. I think this time he's screwed himself over too well. I'm tired of this. I know what happened, and he can't tell me it didn't...
hmm...I wish it didn't confuse me so much. Maybe I AM a total bitch and I'm totally over reacting.

I also wish I didn't weigh a million pounds and look like a freaking COW. I mean, good gracious, I wish food didn't exist. Because then I'd be slim and gorgeous (after years of plastic surgery) But I'd be skinny, and that would make up for the face. I really need clothes, because I don't think I've gone shopping since...grade...nine? Mainly because I'm so self conscious that I get increasingly depressed after every store I go to. And I hardly speak for days afterward, and I don't buy ANYTHING. Unless it's Old Navy. Because I'm a 'small' there.
And I'm an XXXXXXXXXXL everywhere else. Size 10003454837434398 in pants. (thats a lot)
And I don't want to go by myself. I hate everything. *glares at cake* damn you. Damn you and your kind.

And now, my friend/s, I think I shall go rinse out this hair dye and see how pretty it looks. It's brown this time, no red. At least I hope not, because I'm tired of it.
Farewell.

sometimes I just want to hurt someone

seriously. Like when I'm driving and everyone's passing me on the high way. Damn cars. They think they're soooo fast, going the speed limit.
curse them. curse them all.
Or when I call someone and they obviously don't want to talk to me, but won't tell me why. And I feel like a total loser for calling them...and everything sucks and I don't know how to fix it, damnit. I hate boys. I hate older boys that think they own the world, or at least part of it, and wow..I'm so angry I don't even know what to do with myself. Seriously! Like, did I do something wrong? Tell me. You stupid ugly cow. (it hurts because it's an insult). But I've taken six months of his stupid little mind games, and after we decided (together) how things stand, now he wants no part of me. Is that fair? Is it fair for him to hurt my feelings because he doesn't want to "lead me on"? That's not an excuse, I wish he'd stop using it as one.
Gah. If anyone wants details on what happened last night to make me so pissed, ask me. I'll share it with you.
Drivers test in a week. Ouch. Scared whitless here.
But maybe Kim'll get hers fist. Good luck Kim!

i have nothing to say.

allow me to introduce myself.
i'm the girl from every paper back novel. the hopeless romantic with a dream. the movie character you never got to know. the face in the crowd that you never see.
the girl who wakes up every morning with no thoughts. whose situation changes like the wind. yes. no. yes. she comes downstairs, helpless from the start. powerless to stop the pain.
"stop dying."
the girl watching her world fall apart. piece by piece. holding shattered reasons in her hand, and leaving un finished sentences the way they are. unfinished. the girl with no meaning. the girl with no name.
the bitter one. autumn girl . the one who lives to see the leaves fall from the trees, the brilliant colours. red, gold. her favourites. walking through the rain, smiling in spite of herself. because the rain is so much prettier than the sun. the blinding sun. lying sun.
talentless girl. no choices. only decisions.
the single girl. the lonely-but-not-willing-to-admit it girl. the emo girl. watching the people in her life grow and change, while she stays the same. plain as day. the girl with a warped image. who can't tell you what she looks like, because she doesn't know. twice as big as the rest of the world. the girl who loves from a distance. scared of her own shadow. of boys. 0f pain. of you. the girl who lets herself slide into old habits because it's comfortable. it's safe. the girl whose weight fluxiates with her mood, and whose mood fluxiates without circumstance. the girl who sits beside you in almost every class. on every bus. in every theater.
the happy girl. the sad girl. the lovely girl. the ugly girl. thats me. i'm all of the above. you just never knew. i never said.

I'm sorry. This sucks. Badly.

That’s why I come here everyday. To see all of them. To see the same stupidity and selfishness that I find in myself. The same twisted senses of humor, the same self-absorbed outlook and the same hope.
When I look in the mirror, I see all of them. Every single one inside that face, inside those eyes, oozing out of every pore of my body. Every word I say, they’ve already said. Every thought has been thought before. And on every self-summary sheet, we all write “original”. “Unique”. Unique and original like everyone else. Situations differ, people are the same. All of us. Uniquely alike and all going towards the same inevitable demise. We will fail. We will not survive this world, and God only knows what comes next. We’ll all love and lose. We’ll all embarrass ourselves to the point where we don’t want to leave our homes. Our hovels. Our mansions. We’ll all wish and pray for something that will never come to be. We’ll all watch a loved one falter and know we’ve been there. We’ll all face disappointments, and we’ll all react in the same way. We’ll all hate, and love, and cry, and laugh, and barely be able to contain the words bursting from our minds.
Because that’s what we all are. Words. Numbers. Letters. Thoughts. Formed together to form our “unique” selves.


The letters are slow to come today. The pen hasn’t moved in what seems like hours, and the writing on the page is hardly legible. I pretend not to see as I walk past, pretend that there are no tears in my exhausted eyes. He doesn’t see me anymore anyway. I’ve become like the walls in the room he always sits in, the silent listener to his silent conversations. Usually he fills his pages with flowing ink marks, words that he will one day speak.
He’s going to go places, he writes. See things. Know things. Say things. And always, always, I believe. I believe he’s going to see the things in those places and say the things he knows. And the years go by, and the silence thickens. The broken dreams are written down, documented. And I read them. While he sleeps, I read them. I read about every thought in his head, his secrets he’s unable to tell. I read what and who he is. About how he can’t prove he exists. About how he doesn’t know if he’s real.
And pages later, his writing changes, and the dreams of speech and definitions of himself appear again.
The pen starts roaming across the paper again. The quiet movements are like the best of all the songs I’ve ever heard.
And I smile then, because I know. The little things haven’t been overlooked, because he’s been looking for them. It’s like a minor detail that shapes an entire world. Existance. Dreams. Silence.
He knows he’s there.

(I REALLY suck at writing.) (Like seriously. But I forgive myself because I felt slightly writer-ish, as happens some days, and documented in another secret blog, but today I took a risk and put it here. I apologize to your brains for making them cry.)

The Collage

It's finished! A ferris wheel, roller coaster, stairs, berries...and...andrew hedlin.
The thrill of your life...
Plus, everyone go to saraherv.deviantart.com. It's hott.

I'm disappointed that Roald Dahl didn't like the 1971 version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. Come on. It's amazing.
"Sweet lovers love in the spring time...a ring a ding sweet lovers love..."

"...we are the music makers...and we are the dreamers of dreams...."

Ok, so they weren't from the book. But those quotes are awesome. Who would have heard of these poems had they not been mentioned in that movie....

grrr.

Like a cat "grrr".
So, I don't know about this Jazz thing tonight. I mean, I want to come, it'd be fun, I guess, but I don't want to be the little one who tags along. Damn, I hate being young. I hate being the youngest out of all my friends. I also hate teenagers that lay down in the hall so that you have to step over them, and then laugh hysterically when you do. Ha ha. Next time, I'm stepping right on his crotch.
I also hate it when people call my house and ask for "john". Who is this John...? Where does he come from...?
I have come to a conclusion! Charlie and The Chocolate Factory is the best movie ... EVER. No joke. It's amazing, its wonderful, it's...got terrible acting, but I forgive them. It's minor, anyway. The best movies have the worst actors. (I'm kidding. But not about it being the best movie ever)