“ I saw him again today.”

“ Who?”

“ Him.”

“ And where was…he?”

“All the usual places.”

“So you see him often now? ”

“He was sadder today. His eyes were grey this time.”

“ What colour are his eyes normally?”

“Black. Like empty spaces that can’t be filled. ”

“ Did he say anything to you this time?”

“Not in words. Pictures.”

“What kinds of pictures?”

“Snapshots. Of when we knew what it was like to know each other.”

“What did they look like?”

“Some of them were grey, faded. Some were torn in the corners. Worn…like he had washed them. Some were in colour, and all the colours ran together from the washing.”

“Why would he wash them?”

“Because they were dirty.”

“Dirty.”

“Yes.”

“Dirty how?”

“He tried to drown his sorrow, and he tried to take them with him. Dirty with the past.”

“Is your past unclean?”

“Is any past not?”
“What else happened?”

“He told me he meant it.”

“Meant what?”

“Meant it when he said what he said and when he did what he did. When he took both our lives and tried to drown them. Lives die easily. He broke it.”

“What did he break?”

“The mirror. His promise.”

“Why did he break the mirror?”

“Because he was angry with me. Angry because I wasn’t good enough. Because I didn’t deserve what he promised me.”

“What kind of promise?”

“A life long one.”

“And he broke it. Did that hurt you?”

“You’re getting quicker. You fill in the blanks.”

“….Why weren’t you good enough?”

“Because I was me.”

“hm…”

“He hates me now. He hates me still.”

“Because you weren’t good enough.”

“No. Because I’m not sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“He’s waiting for an apology. An ‘I’m sorry’ for me hurting him.”

“You hurt him?”

“By not being good enough. By not filling his need.”

“What did he need?”

“Love.”

“Did you not love him?”

“I needed him. Only needed. That was the deal. I couldn’t give anymore. I couldn’t want.”

“What did he give you?”

“More.”

“More…?”

“ Sometimes he wanted instead of needed.”

“And you weren’t…good enough to want him in return.”

“It wasn’t fair. And I never agreed to play by his rules.”

“Did he show you or say anything else?”

“Yes. He thought without saying. Sometimes he thinks so loud, I think the world can hear his hate. He showed me his past. I wasn’t in it.”

“Did that hurt you?”

“He doesn’t remember me. He erased me.”

“But he…showed you pictures…of you and him?”

“Of the empty spaces we used to fill.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means we don’t exist anymore. We are a non existent past tense.”

“He doesn’t…remember you…but he…comes to you? For you to see? To hear?”

“He doesn’t come, I go. I remember him. I need to see what he has to say.”

“So you speak to him?”

“ I try to make him remember. I ask him why his eyes have changed.”

“You’ve switched to present tense.”

“Present tense questions to create a past tense.”

“hm. Why have his eyes changed?”

“Because he’s changed.”

“ What do you remember?”

“ Him.”

“And what else?”

“Our life.”

“Our? Yours and his? Is that all?”

“It’s all I needed.”

“What happened?”

“He broke it.”

“Because you weren’t good enough. We were there.The mirror and his promise. Is there more you want to say?”

“That’s what happened.”

“Ok. Tell me, about him…drowning his sorrows?”

“We died. We drowned with him.”

“ You left?”

“We did. Apart. I never saw the way he existed again. I was his sorrow. We were. Together.”

“What did he look like…when he…existed that way?”

“Perfect. Like a picture.”

“ Ok…Tell me, what did you do after seeing him today?”

“I threw up.”

“ You felt ill?”

“No.”

“ hm.”

“I threw up to make space for the hating.”

“Hating him?”

“Him hating me. You know, sometimes I wish I were a person like you. Sit and ask the questions even I’m afraid to answer. Are you scared of your own life? Your own answers?”

“Are you scared?”

“I’m scared because I’m the only one.”

“Only one?”

“ I’m the only one who can talk to my ghosts. ”